12 Things I’m Sorry for (& Not Sorry for) at 26
Four days before the ball dropped in December last year, I decided I would finally stop apologizing. I had somehow fallen into the habit of apologizing for everyone else’s feelings, my preferences, and a lot in between. The toll it took on my self-perception & relationships was something I realized I wasn’t interesting in paying.
So instead of saying, “Sorry I’m late,” I’d say, “Thank you for waiting for me.”
and instead of saying, “I’m sorry I can’t do that,” I’d say, “Thank you for considering me, but…”. It took a few weeks of consciously catching myself, and backtracking in conversations (my friends will vouch for how many Whatsapp messages I sent, then deleted, then rephrased, and re-sent — LOL) but what it ultimately meant, was that over the course of this year, I held in a lot of “sorries”.
Sometimes, I found myself wondering if I was doing the right thing, if this idea of not being apologetic about my choices (while continuing an effort to be thoughtful in my decisions) was perhaps not a one-size-fits-all solution. But I stuck to it. It’s been a year, and I’ve apologized far less than ever before.
Here’s the mental aftermath:
1 -3. I’m sorry I let toxic relationships take up so much of my time.
I’m sorry I kept insisting that we could be friends, that I could make this work, that friends are meant to be there for each other regardless of never-ending bad times, that someone treating me poorly was okay for now, because they had it rough. I’m sorry that I thought having a deep understanding of someone meant that I somehow owed them something or that it meant I couldn’t walk away. I’m sorry I kept telling myself that “adults” maintain relationships, and don’t just impulsively cut them off.
4. I’m sorry I thought the only way to be “a good person” was to exhaust myself trying to make others feel better.
Turns out good people can also just be supportive while not babysitting and handholding. Fun fact: you can also be a good person while letting other people find their own way out of their bad moods. Negativity is not something you can force someone to let go of. Be there when they reach out, but by no means is it your job to push away their dark cloud while they throw themselves a pity party.
5. I’m not sorry I tried to be everything for everyone.
Because it came from a good-intentioned place, but I know now it isn’t possible, and ultimately, only damages me and my relationships. Define your priorities, and be what you can for others within those boundaries, but know and accept (two very different things) that you cannot make everyone happy, and that you will have to deal with the consequences (depending on your relationship with them, etc.). There will always be a price to pay, but you need to manage which prices you can afford, and which will emotionally bankrupt you.
6. I’m not sorry that I blocked, unfollowed, deleted, muted, unfriended people who added unnecessary conflict to my life.
The amount of guilt I felt doing this was mind-boggling. When it was someone I saw on a daily basis, I found myself shrinking in front of them, and averting my gaze, as if I somehow needed to be guilty that I had opted out of an online relationship, as if somehow it was their right to be able to contact me at their convenience and off-load their emotions and negativity onto me. That was bogus.
7. I’m not sorry that I spent more time on social media than ever before.
Maybe it’s easier to ignore or be scared of the effect that our tech-savvy social media lives have on our brains, but if you accept it and work with it, you realize you can adopt healthier habits and ways of thinking by curating the content you consume. This year, while I logged more hours on Instagram and YouTube than any expert (or your new iPhone Screen Time calculator) would tell you is healthy, I also used the mediums to learn more than ever before. I taught myself basic Photoshop, got pretty good at Lightroom, learned about financial management, credit scores, enterprise software, and how to clean discolored leather without damaging it. This year, I did more than just tell my friends they were vvv cute on social media.
8. I’m sorry I didn’t respect my body.
I’ve spent years coasting by on generally good health, lack of sleep, bad habits multiplied by laziness, and in 2018, it all finally added up. I joked heavily the whole year about how old I was, and my aching bones, but that was because my health — ironically, one of my main goals for 2018 — just fell apart. In the last twelve months, I’ve had numerous ear, eye, throat, chest, stomach infections, viruses, and general aches & pains. I pushed my body harder than I ever have before in terms of exercise, and a healthier, reduced diet, and my body rioted. “Where are those extra cheese curly fries we have come to depend on?!” my organs asked. First, I felt weaker, more lethargic. My workouts meant muscles that I didn’t even know existed screamed every time I moved. But I’ve come out of the year ultimately stronger and more conscious of how I take care of myself — yes, this means I now have a body pillow.
9. I’m sorry I gave myself excuses.
Many times this year, sometimes because of things mentioned in this list, and sometimes because life is just hard, I gave myself excuses. I slacked on my responsibilities, whether it was something as simple as letting the dishes pile up, or not being as pro-active as I should have been at a networking event, or the last three pairs of shoes (“sad-shopping” is a real thing, ok?). But my goals and dreams don’t have time for that.
2020 Zainab and 2025 Zainab and 2030 Zainab are all women that are in charge of their lives, ambitious and focused, with a big cup of chai and an even bigger smile — and they don’t deserve this lazy, apologetic behavior.
Yes, things are hard, what are we gonna do about it? Yes, that was a totally unexpected (and sometimes unfair) curveball, but are we going to sit around and whine about it, or are we going to self-care, pick ourselves up, and make magic regardless?
10. I’m so sorry that I let 27 scare me.
I turn 27 this year, which means that this is the year I told myself I’d be married, that I’d have my own apartment in a big city, that I’d have a designer wardrobe and places to showcase it. Guess which one of those things is likely to happen this year? None. In the last few weeks, 27 has been weighing on my mind — have I failed? I wish that was a question I could tuck neatly away into the “No” category, but I can’t — I even came very close to being overwhelmed by it, but with the help of a friend, I quickly counted my successes, my blessings, and chugged a cup of extra-sweet chai. So I’m okay for now, and for another few days at least, but this is going to be a doozy.
11. I’m not sorry that I became more reserved than ever before.
I used to be a wear your heart on your sleeve, say everything out loud, love fearlessly sort of young woman. And that may work for some people, but it had stopped working for me. Over the last year, I worked consciously to be more selective in what I shared, to really ask myself if it was necessary to say something before I opened my mouth, and even to evaluate who it was I was sharing something deeply personal with before sharing it.
Questions I asked myself: Does this add value to the conversation? Does the person I am speaking to care or need to know? Will saying this out loud make either of us feel any better or anything positive?
If not, keep those puckers sealed.
12. I’m sorry I didn’t do this sooner.
Making a conscious effort to rephrase my default apologies in a more constructive and positive manner not only challenged the way I see others and myself, but also helped me clarify what was important enough to me that I simply could not lie about it. None of my rephrasings were a lie — I only said thank you for the things I was thankful for, and if I found myself in a situation where I simply wasn’t thankful, well, I had to find a polite way to get out of it. Hello, priorities.
Cheers to the new year.
