12 Places I Cried in 2018: A Tragicomedy

Dear reader,

I grew up knowing “if it didn’t kill you, it only made you stronger”. I grew up knowing that women cried — superfluously, often, at the drop of a hat. I grew up knowing it was so inconvenient when this happened, because it put the other, non-crying person in such a tough spot. I also grew up knowing boys who didn’t want to cry, who tried to never admit that they had, who wrapped their confessions in disclaimers of strength.

But in 2018, I let myself cry.

“Uh, I never know what to do when someone’s crying.”

1. In a 737 and a 777 plane — to Karachi, Dubai, and Istanbul, while staring out of the window and carefully avoiding eye contact with the alarmed passenger next to me.

2. Pulled over on a service road with no street lamps, with my car doors locked to mitigate risk (of being attacked) while I heave-sobbed. #reclaimpublicspaces

3. In a hotel room, on the unbelievably plush bedding, upon being told I was loved — out of the fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable.

“I never know what to say when someone’s sad.”

4. My friend’s kitchen, while holding a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

5. My friend’s living room, while holding a tub of melting Ben & Jerry’s.

6. My friend’s bedroom, while holding the spoon she couldn’t pry out of my shaking hands.

“There you go crying again — great.”

7. In my mother’s arms, as she picked me up from the site of my first ever car accident.

8. Into a bowl of pasta as I received one of the most thoughtful (& unexpected) gestures of friendship I’ve ever gotten. (Said bowl of pasta was almost empty.)

“What are you crying about this time?”

9. Into my chai as I heard my friend tell the story of the biggest loss her family has faced.

10. Into my favorite grey cardigan’s sleeve as I curled up in bed watching Rose hog the life raft as Jack Dawson is left to freeze.

11. Somewhere in one of Lahore’s wealthiest neighborhoods as I heard a friend say spiteful things in my direction, with the Arundhati Roy quote flashing through my mind: “That’s what careless words do.They make people love you a little less.”

12. At a stranger’s dining table, when graciously invited to break bread with their family.

Look, this is really nothing to be worrying about. You shouldn’t let this get to you.

By writing this piece, my goal is not to out myself as a serial cry-er, to reveal to you the deepest secrets of this (clearly) very happening year, or even to tell you what to say or do around people with leaky eyes.

This is just a list of times I cried, and if it makes you think about how you might not know what battles a person is fighting, or how continuously holding in our feelings can be damaging, well, that happened by accident.

As always, live fully, love well, and cheers to the new year.

— The Girl Who Cries